Chaos and the blue sky
The more chaotic the world feels around me, the more I have to look inside myself to find the eye of the storm. The eerie, still place where it all just swirls around me.
My heart breaks every single day, then the pieces break. On twitter, on international news feeds, Gofundme and Patreon. I wish I could do more. I just keep repeating to myself I wish that I could do more. I need to keep showing up.
It’s a time where every day feels like a year, but the months fly by. It’s a place where we don’t know where we are going next, we just know we can’t go back. It’s a feeling of hope in the hopeless, searching in the rubble of our own communities, finding a pulse. I’m glad it’s being broken down. I know these systems need changing, need new life, need humanity, need love.
It’s like waking up from a nightmare only to realize you’re in another one. Inception. Destruction. Inception. Destruction. We can rebuild. Notice I say we because we, is all we have.
Some days I feel the wind on my back pushing me forward. Some days I cry in the driveway because the sky is so blue and it’s all so beautiful and terrifying and obscure that I can only describe it in salt water. I’ve met myself over and over in these last couple months and I never knew I was made up of so many things. Each experience and trauma, all the ways I’ve been wrong all the ways I’ve been right. The ways I’ve broken, repaired, succeed, and failed. The ways I’ve helped others, the ways they have helped me. All those hands I managed to find in the dark.
I’ve had my epiphanies. They keep coming. I’ve never been happier to see them. They don’t yell, they only whisper softly. It’s hard to hear them over the swirling winds. So, I’m quiet for now. Not complacent. Just quiet.